Friday, January 20, 2012

Up Talkers

You've spoken with an up talker, right?   You know, the person who makes declarative statements while using a voice inflection that makes every utterance sound like a question.  My calculations tell me the odds are 100% the average person will engage in conversation with an up talker once a week.  It's so prevalent and widespread that it has become virtually unavoidable.   Business, casual,social, it doesn't matter, the up talker can be found in nearly all situations and walks of life.  Just as the British accent makes any imbecile appear intelligent and well spoken, the up talk makes a Harvard Phd sound like a reality show contestant.

 A conversation with an up-talker is nerve wracking, it keeps you on edge and confused because you're not sure how to respond or what to do.  You want to answer their question at first but then you realize it's not a question.

It always starts out innocently enough because inevitably the conversation starts with a genuine question.  I will assume every up talker is a complete stranger because there's no way we would allow an up talker to be a part of our daily life.

Hey sir, how are you?

I'm good thank you.

Did you find everything OK?

Yes, thanks.

Oh, this movie is amazing?

(side note:  Up talkers completely overuse the word amazing.  It's the number one word in their vocabulary.  Prime abuser:  Tori Spelling.  My dad informed me the word Amazing received the highest number of votes for banishment from the language due to overuse and misuse.  Read more here.   about this and other words to avoid moving forward)

I'm not sure, I haven't seen it yet.

No, I watched it with my girlfriends last week, it is so amazing?

(Shit.  I'm engaged with an up talker.  Girls, honestly, I don't know if I've ever met a male up talker.  I'm not saying they don't exist, but I think they're much less prevalent).

I heard the ending was spectacular.

Yes, it's amazing?

Like I said, I haven't seen it.  (Now I'm just fucking with her).

Anyway, you'll like it?

And so the circular conversation goes.

You can't correct the up talker or tell them to stop, lest you make yourself look like the asshole.  I look around at the others waiting to check out to determine if my predicament is obvious.  I spot a knowing grin, and a small nod of the head.   Do I have a social and civic obligation to point it out?  If I were at a business meeting and somebody had a small morsel of lunch on their face I would tell them about it.  Then again, I probably wouldn't point out the same person's propensity to have chronic bad breath, it's too touchy a situation to address.  I suppose I would just remove myself from the situation delicately and avoid close proximity in the future.  It's the same with the up-talker.  Do what you can to extricate yourself from the situation and move on.   However, don't hesitate to mock the person behind their back with your friends.

If, however, an up talker sits behind you at the movie theater, go ahead and punch them in the face.

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