Showing posts with label bella. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bella. Show all posts

Thursday, December 4, 2014

She's Gone




Shocking, body rocking waves of tears flood over me. Do I really sound like that? It's been one day, not even quite.  She's still real, but she's gone.  Her smell is still here.  I want to love on her, she's not there.  The impulse is real, it's physical, I can feel it in my arms, the sensation of grabbing her skin, rubbing her neck, I can still feel it on my hands, but she's not there.  I know she's gone, but I don't, because I turn the corner to see her, expecting her to be there, but she's gone.  I make some coffee and think, I guess I should feed Bella now, but she's not there to eat.  Her homemade food is still in the refrigerator.  Goddamn she's become so fussy about eating late in life.  Wait, she was fussy.  Now she's gone.  I don't need to heat up the food.  There's no dog to eat it.  I sit down at the counter and try to do something normal.  I read ESPN. Suddenly I think, I'm sure Bella wants to go out now, it's about time.  Every morning for the  last 14 years. I turn, she's not there.  She's gone.  Her leash is right over there, but she's not.  She's gone. Forever.  I can see her hills out my window.  She loved those hills.  See that one?  She frenzied every time we got to the top.  It only took  a small glance and she knew.  Butt high in the air, staring at me, waiting for me to move.  The smallest gesture and she's off, I can't touch her, she's too fast.  She's laughing at me, now I'm laughing.  Left.  Right. Low to the ground.  How long can she do this?  I'm back in my kitchen.  She's still gone.  We won't be doing that anymore.  No more getting chased by cows.  No more rolling in shit.  God that made me mad.  And it made me laugh.  Hey Nikki, check out Bella, she rolled in shit again.  Get her outside now.  Now she frenzies again.  Baths make dogs do that.  They all do that.  Around the table.  Rolling crazily on the floor.  She's laughing at me, I can't catch her.  I'd love to give her another bath.  But she's gone.  There's her blanket in the laundry room, her hair all over it.  I pick it up, it still smells like her.  Corn chips.  All dogs smell like corn chips, especially their feet.  I can feel her feet in my hands.  But she's gone.  But she's here, I can see her hair.  I can smell her.  But she's gone. I can't reconcile the difference.  More body rocking waves of tears.  Splitting headache.  I think I just drooled during that wave.  Uncontrollable waves of grief.  Life goes on.  But it doesn't, not today anyway.  I'm in between worlds.  She's here and she's gone.  I pull out the old photos.  There she is as a puppy.  4 months old with fully grown legs, completely out of proportion.  Running, chasing, laughing with the other dogs.  Now she's gone. The dogs link us to the start of our married life.  The others have been gone for awhile and I've reconciled that.  Today, though, Bella's gone and it's confusing.  She's here and she's gone.  I go upstairs.  She was never here, her hips too tired to make it up the stairs.  Refuge for my mind.  I work a little.  Small relief.  I haven't heard Bella go out the dog door this morning.  Oh yeah, she's gone.  She won't do that anymore.  I want so badly to walk downstairs and love on her a little bit. But I can't.  She's gone. I've been through this before.  Time heals all wounds, right?  Maybe.  I don't know.  Not today, though.  She's gone.  I want to see her.  Today.  But she's gone.  It will get better.  But not today.  She's gone.


















Thursday, February 16, 2012

Pissed Off Cows





I received a huge dose of life-affirming adrenaline yesterday courtesy of 1,500 pounds of mobile beef.  For some unknown reason Betsy the ringleader, an enormous hunk of coal black cow, didn't like Bella and I within her confines and decided to expel us from her territory with utmost urgency and sense of purpose.   I don't know what the difference was yesterday -after all, I do this a lot- but the shot of adrenaline I received re-affirmed with an exclamation point that life is all about experiences, nothing else. No object, material possession, or money could give me the sensations I experienced in that brief 90 second encounter.




As I often do, I took Bella to the large open space in the hills near our house to let her run.  Local cattle ranchers have an agreement with the homeowners association, which owns the land, to allow cattle to graze freely in the area.  The cows keep the land "mowed" and reduce fire hazards, and the rancher gets free food for his cattle.  I typically avoid any open space when I can see the cows, not out of fear, but because it means there will be fresh piles of sludgy dung all around the area we want to walk.  Any dog owner knows these piles entice the animal the same way a raw piece of meat does.  Also, the fragrant smell of the dung is absolutely irresistible and triggers the instinctual crocodile death roll in the dog.  The theory is that it masks the scent of a dog on the hunt. If you haven't seen it, it's an aggressive and urgent roll in the dung, starting from the neck on one side and moving down the back and then over to the other side, then repeated multiple times until you run screaming like an idiot and can physically reach your dog and make them move.   Typically the dog leaves the scene with a gigantic smile and sense of accomplishment while you mumble to yourself about having to give the dog another god**mn bath.    I recently took Bella to the veterinarian to have poop removed from her ear canal due to a particularly aggressive roll.   As you can see, there are multiple good reasons to avoid the cows.  Now I was about to have another one.

I couldn't see any cows when we first approached the gate, so I let Bella crawl under and I jumped the chest high post.  I took quick inventory and couldn't see any fresh piles, so we proceeded.   These first few minutes of freedom seem to be heaven for Bella.  She trots around the area with her nose to the ground like a vacuum, taking in the thousands of scents that are available to her.   She's 12 now so her movements are a bit slower, but she is never happier than in these moments.  Inevitably she creates her own fresh pile, nose twitching and smelling the air, reading the situation and scanning the environment.  From what I can tell, this moment is the highlight of her day:  Pooping in an open field with unlimited sensory stimuli tickling her nose.  We soon reach the crest of the hill and that's when I saw the herd of 20, and Betsy's ears immediately perked up.



As soon as I saw Betsy, I casually called Bella and started walking the other direction.  Bella had assumed the alert wolf stalking posture, but I knew it was an act.  I've tried to bring her close to the cows by the fence and she doesn't want any part of it.  She eventually turned towards me and we started walking in the opposite direction.   And the cows began to walk with us in the same direction.   I wasn't too alarmed, after all cows are curious by nature and I had seen them do this before.  Typically they will escort you in the other direction, making sure they can see you at all times and will stop at the top of the hill and watch until you leave.  I'm sure I could have done something differently at this crucial point, but let's discuss this snapshot in time just a little bit.



I am 100% suburbanite and large farm animals tend put a scare in me regardless of their alleged docile nature.  I was currently being approached by 20 such animals.   My research suggests that perhaps I should have acted like "the boss" and shooed them away with a large stick (maybe tapped Betsy the ringleader on the snout), or opened an umbrella to startle them.   Alas, it was 70 degrees and sunny so my umbrella was in the garage and thus, useless to me in this circumstance.  I am also not in the habit of carrying a walking stick like a shepherd when I go out with Bella, although I may change my stance on this.  Like her owner, Bella is also 100% suburbanite.  She doesn't possess the craftiness of a border collie, which will toy with cows and bulls all day long.  I've observed it myself, and it is something to behold.   Large, hoofed animals with great mass also tend to frighten Bella so we didn't have any other inkling other than to extricate ourselves from this situation.  To put it in evolutionary terms, we clearly chose the "flight" response over the "fight" response.

Because the cows are so prevalent in the area it's easy to watch them from a distance and I commonly see them running down the hills.  I always look for coyotes - which are also common - or a mountain lion - which are rumored to be in the hills-but have never seen either in pursuit.  Nonetheless, it's surprising the speed with which they come careening down the hills after each other.   I didn't study much in college, but I remember this:  F=m(a)  force=mass x acceleration.  The bulk of the animal running down a 15% decline must create amazing force and I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it.  Yet, here I was in that exact position.


I fully expected the group to stop at the crest of the hill and watch us leave, but Betsy started trotting, which energized the herd.  "You're the boss, you're the boss" I told myself in my head.  I didn't buy it.  Here they come.  Son of a...."BELLA RUN, LET'S GO!!!!!!!!!!!  Bella can't move like she used to and Betsy was closing in.  I watched in horror as my sweet Bella was about to be crushed.  Valiantly, she turned and snapped, which surprised and distracted Betsy for a moment.  Betsy regrouped and re-engaged Bella, both running down the hill directly at me.

As I watched this scene unfold, I was actually thinking I wish I had my camera with me because the scene would have made an incredible photo.  The behemoth Betsy was directly behind Bella, head to ground, nearly touching her butt, and they were headed directly at me.  I would have used my 70-200 lens to completely fill the frame with Bella at the bottom and the big black blob with crazy eyes in pursuit.  I was actually lamenting the loss of opportunity.   It's Funny that in such a moment of abject terror the brain can calmly carry on a conversation in a parallel universe at the same time.

I fully expected Betsy to lift Bella with her nose and flip her, opening up the possibility for a mauling with her hooves.  I took a quick inventory and the gate opening was at least 300 yards away, not a possibility.  I looked to my left and the fence was right there, but it was chest high.   Mercifully Betsy didn't flip Bella and we jumped across a concrete v-ditch drainage channel certain that cows won't cross  that type of thing.  It turns out they will.

Bella and I both made it across the ditch, and Betsy crossed as well.  As I reflect on this, I'm not certain why Betsy didn't pursue us and push us up against the fence.  I know she crossed the ditch, which was was only about 10 feet from the fence, but she didn't crush me.  In a huge panic I lifted Bella over the top of the fence and dropped her on the other side.  The hair on her back was raised like a mohawk and her tail was squarely between her legs.  I quickly jumped the fence and realized we had escaped the full wrath of Betsy.



Immediately my legs felt weak as the adrenaline began to leave my body.  I began to chuckle, out of nervousness and amusement at the same time.  I began the process of assessing the situation in my mind and two things immediately became clear:  1. I'm so thankful neither Bella nor I was hurt.  2.  What a great story, I can't wait to tell people about this.  And so it is with experiences.  Unlike money or possessions, experiences never go away, they are always there for the re-telling and psychologists say experiences without a doubt are what bring us happiness.   I believe it.  This didn't cost me anything and in an odd way I feel euphoric about it.   Adrenaline is good for the soul and this shot of it has my soul soaring.  By the way, Betsy, I can't wait to see you on my grill.  I know Bella and I will have a laugh about it.



Saturday, October 8, 2011

Our Refugee Puppy


Photo by Jeff Allen


The gray has begun its slow, inevitable creep across her muzzle as she approaches nine years old, but the gray brings me comfort.  It means she has lived long past her execution date, the day I heard the awful scream that brought her into my life.  None of it was planned or expected.



  I was on a trip with my Dad, who was researching a motorcycle travel story in a Harley-Davidson side-car rig for a magazine.   We were on our way back home after spending several days driving up and down the baja peninsula, he on the motorcycle and I in a trailing van with a photographer and a writer.  Until that point, I had always been a dog lover, but a chain of events brought a little puppy we came to name Bella, into my life and left an indelible impression on me and changed the way I understand and experience all dogs.



  We first noticed her as we were sitting around the hotel Pinta hotel in San Ignacio, Mexico. The two nights we spent there were the most at any location during the week.  The hotel looked like an old mission, but with clean sheets, hot running water and a passable restaurant.  The main courtyard had a large pool, giving the place the feel of an oasis in the hot dry Baja desert. 

  As all feral dogs in Baja, she looked like a mix of several breeds.  The most obvious characteristics were that of a German Shepherd and Doberman.  Her hair was short, but had the same black and tan markings of a Shephard.  Her feet had the high toes of a Doberman with the same posture and deep chest.  Sometimes when she panted, her forehead wrinkled, making her look like a Sharpei, or a Bull Terrier.  Here ears were perhaps the most prominent feature, floppy and two sizes two big.


  She was with her mother and brother, and all lived under the front porch.  It was obvious they were still nursing, not more than 6-8 weeks old.  Bella and her brother were lively and rambunctious, the mother very reserved and a bit haggard. The tourists, including our group, took advantage of the opportunity to feed them table scraps, to steal an intimate moment to give them a little affection, and for a moment, imagine another life for these dogs. Surely this small pack belonged to someone associated with the hotel, so the fleeting moment passed and we went about our business.

  Early on our last morning there, packing to leave, we heard a horrible scream that even now rings crystal clear in my mind.  My first thought was that one of the dogs had been hit by a car.  Her mother was pacing nervously, knowing her baby was in danger.  As we approached the sound, we found that Bella had been tied in a potato sack and tossed into the back of a rusty old pickup. Her first ride was going to be her last.  My dad and I walked purposefully to the truck and the driver to try and make sense of the situation.


 It was obvious that the driver had been given instructions to toss this innocent life in the river. Quickly the conversation turned threatening, and the shouting started.

 Though I was livid at the time, I realize now it was a practical solution for controlling the overwhelming feral dog population among people with few means.  It was surprising her mother had lived long enough to have puppies. We were told the males are typically spared, though we have no way of knowing what happened to her brother.



  The result of the exchange between we and the pickup driver was that I owned a new puppy. At the time I had no idea of the implications, but I was adamant that this little girl wouldn’t die today.

  Before we packed her in the van, my dad got on his knee,  held Bella’s face to her mother’s and whispered, “Say goodbye to your baby, she’s going to America and a better life”.  Perhaps it’s foolish, or anthropomorphic, but in my mind her mother understood the exchange and, though sad, gave us her blessing.

  The first few hours of our little traveler with us in the van she sat in a in a bucket.  She smelled like fish and vomited out the effluvium of a fish carcass, a taco wrapper, chewing gum wrapper, and a mouse skull.  I cleaned her up that first night in the hotel shower and wrapped her in the comforter on the bed.  She clearly felt content, safe, and warm because she barely stirred all night.

  The next day we stopped in Maneadero and got her vaccinations taken care of, preparing for the border crossing.  Finding a veterinarian on the main street was easy, but describing what I wanted was very intimidating because I had to explain in Spanish Bella’s story and what I was doing.  Fortunately, I had learned enough Spanish to make this conversation possible, although it was slow going.

  The staff in the office was very helpful and the Veterinarian was understanding and appreciated what we were doing.  He saw us immediately and we were out within an hour vaccination papers in hand. Our stowaway was legal with her first set of papers.


 Approaching the border we tried enclosing her in the motorcycle side car luggage compartment. No way, and she let us hear her scream again.  We believed there was a real chance she could be confiscated and we might never see her again.  I was surprised I could feel such panic over a dog I had known for less than 36 hours.  The deep bond was already intact.

  After considering many complicated schemes, we decided a small hiding place under the seat and a “nothing to declare” were the best option to get her to America.

  With my dad driving, I sat in the back seat, with Bella gently pushed back behind my legs on the floor and covered with leathers and photography equipment. I was praying she wouldn’t make a sound, and not squirm out and initiate a conversation of her own with the guards.  In that moment I knew what it felt like to be a drug dealer, a smuggler, a criminal.  I was terrified and electrified at the same time.  A new life was at stake, a beating heart that needed me to be calm so she could experience life in a truly magical place called America.


  The guard approached the window and took a painfully slow look around the interior of the van.  When was Bella going to appear?  Did she just cry? I tried to give him my lazy, bored and tired Yankee look, but I knew he could read the guilt on my face and would ask me to step out of the vehicle. After several agonizing seconds he pulled his head out of the van and inquired about my dad’s travel humidor full of cigars. “Cubano,” he asked smiling.  “Nope, not from Cuba”, me Dad replied. “ Dominican Republic.”   With that, the guard waved us through.  I resisted the impulse to shout out in triumph for Bella, for us, and for getting away with it. I had a new puppy…but now what?


  Before driving back home, I had to make a stop at my dad’s house in Costa Mesa, California to pick up my truck before heading home to Sacramento.  His career and mine brought us both to California from Denver, Colorado, where I spent my childhood.  The motorcycle industry lured my Dad to Southern California, while the Air Force brought me to Sacramento.

  We stayed for a while at my Dad’s place and while there, Bella briefly met Maggie, my childhood Irish Setter who was now twelve. All of our dogs growing up were Irish Setters. I had forgotten how tall she was.  Her legs were very long, bringing her shoulders  to my waist.  Her hair was still brilliant red in most places, though her face was nearly all gray.  She moved much slower and calculated now, but I could still see the athlete’s grace and power in her body. She gently nudged me and cried when she first saw me.  Although it had been several years, she remembered me. The loyalty never wavers.

   The two dogs played a bit, but Maggie soon tired of the new puppy and quickly put her in her place.  The short meeting between the two insured “the chain” remained intact.  Maggie is gone now, but every dog since my childhood has had contact with the next, from Sara to Kelly to Maggie to Bella currently.

  While driving the eigh hours home, I tried to figure a way to introduce our new package of boundless energy to my wife, Nikki, who had no idea what was coming.  Growing up, Nikki was never able to have dogs despite the fact she desperately wanted one.  A month after we were married we picked up our Cocker Spaniel named Maty, who immediately became the focus of all our attention.



  Shortly thereafter, we got her her a companion and found our second love, Mariah, an extremely talkative Samoyed.  Life was a bit frantic at first, but we settled into our routine and Maty and Mariah quickly became strong packmates.  Although Nikki and I had talked about adding a third dog from time to time, we had never quite come to an agreement.  I hoped we could agree now.



  Desperate husbands have a way of introducing dicey surprises, and I’m no exception. I figured since it was February, Bella would become a little Valentine. And she’s the greatest Valentine’s gift I have ever given.

  After hastily parking the car in the garage, I walked into the house and handed my wife a card.  It briefly explained Bella’s situation and told her to go to the truck to see the “package” (she later told me she thought I had adopted a Mexican child).   Nikki met Bella with the same excitement and trepidation I experienced.  Here was a cute, needy new puppy that had to be integrated into our established two dog household, and my wife’s heart melted.

  With a few scheduling adjustments, the transition into the house was fairly easy at first, though it certainly had its rough spots later on as Bella attempted to become the alpha female. Her survival insinct was very strong. This never sat will with Maty who was definitely the toughest of the three.

  Over several years, they had some nasty confrontations and Bella still has the scars around her face to prove it.  But now that Maty is gone, the household has settled into a certain calm, Mariah and Bella each understanding their role and social status. Age has a way of doing that, whether human or canine.  When I look at Bella and my wife now, I can see a deeper appreciation between them, a genuine closeness that has developed over time.



  Reflecting on the experience of adopting Bella, I’m convinced her behavior is a lifelong thank you to humans.  She is extremely sweet, loving, and gentle.  There is a bond between her and I that I’ve not experienced with other dogs. She tells me daily with her expressive eyes that she knows how lucky she is.   When I look at Bella, I can’t help but think of the thousands of dogs that face the same fate she did so many years ago.  The number of dogs is so overwhelming, but there are a few organizations dedicated to helping dogs like her, and it gives me hope.  If you are looking for a new family dog, take some time to research and consider one of these orphans. You won’t regret your choice. Every day you will know you made a difference. 

  I often think of Bella’s Family and wonder whether they made it or not.  Usually the thoughts come when I’m letting Bella run in a nearby field.  Her euphoria brings me an inner peace, because I know exactly what her fate was nine years ago.  Sometimes when she’s running she’ll stop abruptly and look back at me, smiling.  When that happens, I let the moment burn into my mind.  I look around, take it in, and remind myself that we gave her more time, the most precious gift of all. 




  Bella won’t be with us forever and I’m okay with that. Because we both know, she and I, that far away in a dusty Mexican town, among the hundreds of stray dogs, that I took a chance and saved her life.  It reaffirms that her life meant something, and it reminds me that I did something noble when it was inconvenient.

  When she’s asleep, or when she’s at play, I can look at her and know that it mattered to that one. That’s enough.

  It mattered to that one.




Sunday, July 17, 2011

Life Goes On...

Today we went on our first outing with Bella since Mariah passed away.   We went to Crissy field in San Francisco where we've taken them both many times and things were very familiar, yet very different at the same time.   The sand, the pier, and the views were the same, but the dominant presence we've known for the last 15 years was missing.

Mariah was the bridge to our young, early life together. We got her a few months after we were married and had arrived in Omaha for my first assignment in the Air Force.  Her boisterous personality was relentless in its energy and we could feel her presence at all times because she demanded our attention.  Bella is the opposite in her approach to life, laid back, observant, a thinker, and extremely sweet.  Mariah seemed to smile and radiate happiness at all times, while Bella often appears morose, coming to life at certain times, particularly when we take her to the beach.  

We tend to project our feelings on our dogs, so it's hard to say if Bella is mourning the loss of Mariah.  Certainly she's reading my recent behavior as peculiar because I am constantly in her face, seeking reassurance that she is OK and that she is moving forward when in reality I need the assurance for myself.  The truth is she's probably happy she gets to eat out of the big bowl now and doesn't have to share the backseat with a manic personality.

Since I've really become heavily engaged in taking photos over the last 3 years, I tend to think in snapshots (framing, composition,depth of field,etc..).  When I think of all the photos I've taken of our dogs over the years, nearly all of them have contained 3 dogs plus a human, so when I observed Nikki walking Bella alone for the first time it cemented for me the reality that this is how things will look moving forward.   The shot of her and Bella walking down the path will be the anchor in my mind for when I moved into my mid-life.  The young guy I see in those early photos with Mariah has changed, I need to accept that and move forward.

As we continued our day at the beach and Bella chased her stick and swam and frolicked, the sadness I'd been carrying over the past week began to slowly lift.  As I watched her shake the water off her fur, smile, and challenge me to chase her, something occurred to me:  Bella still has her life to live, she is happy, she is living in the moment, and she needs our participation. 

 Life goes on.....