Ear Hair Triggers Practical Decision Making?

I would like to reiterate my stance on anything that is a Pain In The Ass (PITA):  I'm against it.  That being the case, why would I purposefully bring an electronic tool into my life?  I don't like to build things and I don't like to repair things and I certainly don't like to tinker.  At least that's what I thought until about a month ago.

The fact of the matter is the decision to buy an electric racket stringer was a practical decision.  I can't believe I just wrote that sentence because right up until I got  this thing I believed in impulse buying only.   What's next, I have to trim my ear hair (I did that for the first time last month)?  

Sidebar: I now have a theory that trimmable ear hair triggers practical decision making.  As a caveat, bald guys make practical decisions much earlier in life.  You see, it seems to me guys that go bald seem to lose their hair at an early age (20's or 30's).  These same guys typically have hairy bodies and thick, burly beards and curly ear hair.  Because they have trimmable ear hair at a much earlier age, they therefore make practical decisions earlier.  That's a scientifically sound theory, right?  Scratch that, my dad was bald at 19, braided his ear hair,  and has yet to make a practical decision at age 66.  

Prior to buying this PITA, I was taking the rackets to Sacramento (40 miles) to be strung because they could do it in a couple of hours, unlike other places.  The cost of strings, labor and gas added up quickly so I started researching options (when did I start caring about stuff like this?).  I quickly deduced that the machine would pay for itself within the year.  Of course, this meant bringing an electric tool into my life.  For reference, the only power tool I own is a drill, which doesn't really count since 99.5% of the population has one of those.  It's like saying I have a fork.  Needless to say, I made the jump.

The machine arrived assembled as shown (minus the stand (+1)*).  When I was attaching the legs on the stand, one of the screws stripped and couldn't be used (+2)**.   I don't have a work bench *(3) so I had to sit on the floor to assemble the stand (+1).  Once assembled, I had to read the instruction manual because it matters which holes you put the strings in (+2).  The manual makes you believe your racket is definitely going to crack when you make one slight error, you giant jackass (+5) *(4).   I thread the string, clamp it, pull tension, and immediately strip the strings because the clamp isn't tight (+3) *(5).  I get the mains (vertical) done, start the crosses (+3) and misweave the third row (+4)*(6).  Screw this, I cut the strings out (-3) *(7).

I start over and notice that it's quicker this time (-1).  I don't strip the strings (-1) and  I don't misweave any crosses (-3).  I'm able to tie the finishing knot (-2) *(8).  I finish in under an hour (-3).  I use it in regulation play and it feels good (-5) *(9).  I can string the racket at my convenience (-6).  Wait a minute, if I'm not mistaken that's a net (-6) on the PITA scale.   That means the stringer is not a PITA.  That can't be correct, this is a power tool.  Nope, that's right, it's a (-6).  That means I've made a practical decision and it's not a PITA.  

The truth is I sort of enjoy stringing rackets.  I can put my headphones on, go in the garage, and hone my war tools.  The best I can figure is that it's a primitive instinct to craft your tools, like making your own bow for the kill and bringing home sustenance that will ensure your survival.  In suburbia, though, honing our war tool means you get to beat a 52 year old in sweatbands with long ear hair for bragging rights.  It's almost the same thing.

* The PITA scale is based on a + or - system.  Anything that is a + adds to the PITA rating and anything that is a - takes away from the PITA rating.  The higher the PITA number, the bigger a PITA it is.  For instance, changing out the engine on a 1965 Mustang would have a PITA rating of +1,000.  This is the highest (biggest PITA ever) rating possible.  A back massage while drinking a Blanton's on the rocks would be - 1,000. This is the lowest (best) PITA rating possible.  The scale is relative to each person, make your own definitions of best and worst.

** Have you ever assembled anything where you didn't strip at least one of the screws?

*3 I don't have any tools for god's sake, why would I have a work bench?

*4 Seriously, you are convinced that the slightest change in adjustment on the knobs or on the strings will instantaneously render your racket useless.

*5 I don't get it, I watched a youtube video so I should be an expert.

*6 Weaving the cross strings, especially as a beginner, is a big PITA.  Add in the fact that I'm using poly string and the PITA is much worse.  Nylon string is pliable so the weaving is quick.  Poly string isn't nearly as pliable so you essentially end up "bending" the cross string under and over each main string.  As a beginner it's hard to tell when you misweave so often you don't notice until you're several rows down.

*7 It feels good to cut the strings out, although I'm concerned, per the manual, that if I don't cut symmetrically, I will definitely f*&k up the racket.

*8 There's a lot of info on knot tying.  I focus on one knot and use it in all circumstances.  I don't give a crap if I'm supposed to use the half hitch here and the double hitch there.  I use the freaking Parnell knot in all instances!

*9 This is the funny thing about stringing your own rackets.  Every time you hit a bad shot, you assume it's because you did such a shitty job stringing the racket.  It couldn't be that you just hit a terrible shot, right?

Modern Art Still Sucks

If there's one thing the government shutdown has taught me it is this: MODERN ART STILL SUCKS!  The connection isn't intuitively obvious so let me lay this thing out.

As I often do when I'm in Marin County, I made a point to drive up Conzelman road in the Golden Gate National Recreation Area (GGNRA) known as the Marin Headlands.  This road is about a 3 mile climb that allows various overlook points of the golden gate bridge.  It's a gorgeous drive and it never gets old.  As I approached the bottom of the road I could see steel barriers blocking the route.  This isn't uncommon because the road has been under construction for about a year and it's been closed at different times during that period, but I was suspicious because I couldn't see the tell-tale signs of bright orange construction vests milling about.  I drove up to the barriers and sure as shit there was a sign taped to the barrier telling me it was closed due to the government shutdown.  "This is a PAIN IN THE ASS!! (PITA),  I screamed in my head and symbolically shook my fist like an 80 year old. And a bunch of bullshit too....I later added meekly, because it seemed appropriate. 

 By the way, in addition to learning that MODERN ART STILL SUCKS (more on that later), I also learned this about the government shutdown:  It was nothing more than a bunch of meat helmets finding various petty ways to show each other their middle finger after not getting what they wanted.  I'm not sure who the culprits are in the Conzelman road case, but somebody was giving the double bird business to somebody else.  Here's how I know it's true:

The Golden Gate National Recreation Area includes vast amounts of lands located around the San Francisco and Marin County area and includes the Marin Headlands (Conzelman Road) and Point Bonita Lighthouse.  Miles and miles of road run through the area, but only the  2-3 mile stretch of road that gives access to the most breathtaking views of one of the most treasured architectural creations in the world was closed.  This road isn't manned, there is no ranger station, and there is absolutely no employee required for this section to operate.   I drove around the backside to check on things and I had access to the lighthouse and the beach.  There was no other road closed.  Cue the middle finger.

"When viewed from either side, the sculpture frames the landscape almost like an oversized picture frame. When viewed from either end, however, the work is a study in formal complexity..."

Now that I was good and pissed, I decided to cross the bridge and check on Crissy Field (part of the GGNRA) on the San Francisco side and see if access to the grounds were also blocked.  Much to my relief the entire area was open.  I pulled out my camera to snap some shots of the bridge and.......... WHY THE HELL ARE THERE D-DAY TANK OBSTACLES BLOCKING MY VIEW OF THE BRIDGE??  Maybe these abominations are twisted metal used from the 911 rubble to honor the victims, I thought.  They're blocking my view, but I'm alright with it in this scenario.  I hurried my way over to the placards to read about the inspiration for and the haunting history of these beasts.

The first one I walked up to was "Magma".   I knew it would be a tough to read so I steeled myself and began.

"Magma, a recently completed work that has never been shown publicly, continues di suvero's exploration of motion and counterbalance. Its composition is dominated by a horizontal I-beam that is balanced between two X-like steel forms. The cut steel rings that encircle the beam are movable rather than structural, and respond to shifts in the wind. When viewed from either side, the sculpture frames the landscape almost like an oversized picture frame.  When viewed from either end, however, the work is a study in formal complexity, its angles, discs, and lines resemble intricate, interlocking layers."

I didn't make that up, I promise.  No honor or meaning to the structure, just another jumbled mass of nothingness passed off as modern art, blocking my view of the golden gate bridge.  

Just in case  I wasn't giving the "art" its due, I decided to use Magma "like an oversized picture frame" for the truly beautiful golden gate bridge.  What do you think?

"This exuberant gesture, which echoes the expressive possibility suggested in much of di Suvero's art, is here reinforced by the work's title: Huru is anAustralian aboriginal word that means both 'hello' and 'goodbye'".

"When the sculpture was  exhibited outside the Alameda County Courthouse in Oakland in 1974 it was highly controversial, and was ultimately removed".

"In the context of the work's delicately balanced asymmetry, the buoy reads as a nautical reference and as a guide..."

I tried to use some of the other sculptures to frame the bridge.  Alas, they all sucked, confirming my belief that the descriptions are pure crap.  I have to admit I enjoy reading the descriptions of the artwork because they are so disengaged from the actual art as to be ridiculous.  Surely these things are written after the fact to justify the time and effort. There's no way the artist started with the description and then created the structure.  To be fair to Mark Di Suvero, these sculptures would probably look great displayed in front of some modern buildings in downtown San Francisco.  The curator, however, decided to create a scrap metal recycling yard in front of one of the most recognizable and beautiful structures in the world and pass it off as art.  I can't prove it, but my theory is this:  The curator is a federal employee working in D.C. (senator?) who coordinated his "middle finger" gesture with the dude from Conzelman road by putting these heaps in front of the Golden Gate Bridge.  "Delicately balanced symmetry", as it were. 

  I crossed back over the bridge I stopped again on the Marin side to eat my lunch and was relieved to come across the site below.  Real modern art needs no description.

Taken from the other side of the water immediately after.

Ayahuasca In Santa Barbara

An ayahuasca vision.

I'd never heard of ayahuasca until we showed up at the vacation house in Santa Barbara.  Gavin, the owner, greeted us, helped us with our bags, and proceeded to tell us his wife was in L.A. doing an 

ayahuasca ceremony with a group of others including a shaman.  It's best not to do these ceremonies without a shaman lest bad spirits infect the process.  Gavin told us he did it once and saw a city and then shit his pants.  It wasn't from fear, but rather from a natural side effect of drinking ayahuasca.  Apparently you purge from both ends.  I made a mental note to take a portrait of this character, but I didn't want to bother him at that moment, plus I didn't have my gear set up.  What a stupid mistake that turned out to be.  The next day, while tending to his rugged landscape, he moved a small rock, which dislodged a sizable boulder, which landed on him and broke his femur, thus destroying my portrait dreams.  Note to self:  Take the damn picture!  That goes for everything else.  Stop waiting to do what it is you want to do.  Tomorrow you may be lying on the ground, with an immovable boulder pinning you down while you scream in vain for medical attention while the young whippersnappers are out merrily tasting wine.  At least that's how we heard it went down.  This from the mysterious neighbor with an accent, who rides horses through the national forest with his two dogs in tow.  He also told us Joe Cocker lived over there, Jane Fonda owned the horse ranch over there, and this area (Padres National Forest) is a big, bohemian enclave.  What's the point of all this?  Make sure to use airbnb.com when making vacation arrangements, of course.

Nikki observing heaven.

Decks overlooking heaven.

Hang out room.  Look to the the left and you see heaven.

Center piece.  Look to the right and you see heaven.

 This is the second time we've used this service and it totally changes the vacation experience.  Instead of going to a protein infested hotel room at 6:00, you get to sit and relax with friends and grill your own food.  No tipping, no bad service, and not any more expensive than two hotel rooms would be for two couples.   Both of the houses have been cozy, clean, and peaceful.  This one in Santa Barbara was otherworldly.  We were literally above the clouds.  The marine layer rolled in every morning and was at least several hundred feet below us.  It looked like heaven.  The inside of this house looked exactly like you would expect from someone who engages in ayahuasca ceremonies.  And we loved it.  So far, both owners have been very artsy and bohemian and extremely interesting.  Gavin is a scrabble expert, and Josie has her own traveling, one woman show.

Wooden deer head on the wall.

Multi-Disciplinary prayer thingy on the wall.  I prayed to several of them, to no avail.

Will and Jen

Nikki surrounded by a lot of crazy art books about dead people and ghosts (from what I could tell).

A side benefit of the place is that there were numerous large windows letting in tons of natural light, which was perfect for taking portraits (assuming of course you take the damn portrait before some tragic, life altering event befalls the subject).

This represents the photo I didn't take of the owner.

One of the main reasons we decided to go to Santa Barbara was to do some wine tasting in the Santa Ynez valley.  That decision, of course, was majorly influenced by a cinematic gem called "Sideways".   The lines from that movie reverberate in my head on a daily basis because of my proximity to wine country.  Every time I smell a wine, it's "oakey", then I ask myself, “when do we drink it”.

Before we set out on the first day, we made a pact that we wouldn't use any of the movie lines with the servers.  That would be too douchey and touristy.  We found the main winery road on a map and headed out with no set plan.  The first place we passed is Andrew Murray, which appears in the movie.   We immediately head in, movie line pact firmly in place.  No sooner do we belly up to the serving table than "Maya" walks over and start pouring wine.  I'm serious, check the photo.  Not only does she look like her, but her mannerisms and speech pattern are eerily the same.  I had to do a quick look around the room to make sure nobody was messing with us.  I was waiting for the candid camera (holy shit I'm old.  That's an old reference.  There have been 15 iterations of that show since then) crew to roll out.  It was only after we left that we all agreed the experience was surreal.

"Andrew Murray, well alright" - Miles (Dammit, I used a line).

Maya's clone.

Will and Jen

Us not using any lines from "Sideways".

Sanford Winery. There's no shortage of rusty green trucks in wine country.

We spent the next day touring the main Santa Barbara area, including the mission and pier area.  

My favorite part was the propoganda historical short film about the mission and the converting of the local Chumash indians.  According to the film the locals LOVED the benevolent and merciful teachings of these kind Spaniards and were thankful to be blessed so richly.   Nobody was publicly beheaded and ridiculed for refusing the new and foreign teachings.  They eagerly rushed to the steps of the mission with babies in tow to receive the new covenants.  It was strange, though, that the Chumash all ended up being manual "skilled" brick laborers for the Spaniards while the Spanish stonemason was paid to teach them.

The rest of the day was eating and sightseeing and then we got to return to the house and cook, drink wine, and talk with good friends.  Pure heaven.

What do Skull and Crossbones on a Catholic Church mean?

Sidewalk art at the Mission. Nikki's favorite.  I have no idea why this has anything to do with a mission.

Rider and Dog on the Santa Barbara Pier.

Palm trees.  No shit.

The owner of a small restaurant where Will and I stopped in to have a beer.  He appears to be the epitome of what an Irish man should look like.  His daughter was mean as a snake.

A dog in the public restroom.  His owner was 12 hours post-ayahuasca.  Either that or taco bell.